My son was chasing his sisters and dog around with a sword yesterday and the girls (and pup) were not interested in the game. It got to be a little too much for everyone involved so I asked my son to sit down beside me for a while and relax. In essence–a time out–but I never called it that. He sat, but he complained. “I don’t need to be here.” “They liked the game too.” Then came the big one==> “I could just get up from here and you can’t do anything about it.”
Well, now. That is a statement that gets a parent’s goat. A natural reaction would be to say something like, “Oh yeah, how about I take away the Nintendo for a week.” But I didn’t want to go down the path of creating a bigger argument and feelings of powerlessness with my son. So instead I said, “Yes, you could. You have that power. But, we live in a family that loves and cares about each other. And you know that by asking you to sit here with me, I am helping you work with your sisters in a better way. AND you love and respect me, your sisters and our family. So, you have made the right decision to sit here and relax for a minute.”
He didn’t know what to say to that AND his tone totally changed. He sat there quietly and calmed down. He hummed a little and talked about the dog. When I noticed he calmed down and had a shift in energy I said, “You look relaxed enough to get up now.” He chose to sit a minute longer and then he got up and played with his sisters in a better way.
It is easy to discipline a toddler or young child because the shear size of an adult is intimidating even if your words or actions are not. It is harder to use positive discipline with older children because we don’t have that intimidation factor anymore. It is VERY easy to fall into the habit of disciplining with negative consequences for poor behavior. But if this is the only technique a parent follows it just generates a feeling of powerlessness for the child that could result in lying and sneaky behavior.
I am not saying that I never choose to remove a toy as discipline. Here’s an example of when I removed a toy for positive discipline. A few weeks ago the Wii remotes were always on the floor—even with the drawer for them only 2 feet away! I really wanted the kiddos to just put them away when they were done. So I picked up all of the remotes laying on the floor and I put them in a hidden spot for a few days. They wondered where they were but continued to play. The next time the remotes were left out I did the same thing. Soon they had no remotes to play with. Then they asked, “Where are the remotes?” My question was, “Where did you leave them?” The discussion naturally lead to my explanation for the removal of the remotes and also letting my children know that if they put the remotes into the drawer they would be able to find them when they want to play.
After I brought the remotes back things changed. All I had to say is, “I am going into the living room…is there anything you want to take care of?” Now I don’t have to say anything, the children are cleaning up the remotes every time they play the Wii now. I never had to raise my voice. I never had to threaten.
Want to read more about positive discipline? Here is a great book by Jane Nelsen that parents love called Positive Discipline. This book helps parents understand how to correct poor behaviors in a positive way so that the relationship between parent and child is more loving and family time is more enjoyable!